The Home Stretch
At the outset a little senti I think is in place. This will probably be the
last Random Insane Mumblings before the 2s leave, and I know atleast a few who
will leave after the placements. Introspection, I thought, let that be the
topic of this parting gift so to say. Any lack of humour is purely
consequential and unintentional. Like Fatty's PPO.

It was Shaggy's signature that set me thinking of an old intellectual adventure
of mine. Sometime during my second job it dawned on me that the brain wasn't
all that it was made up to be. I mean I had three bosses, and not one of them
did anything to prove they had one. My belly button had enough IQ to do what I
did everyday. My elbow would give the CEO a run for his money. The brain was a
bystander, helpless. Sort of like me after class, waiting for Kabra's dbabs.
That Kabra guy is good. With one 4 word dbab he can lay my life waste. For
example, "Meet Rekha Jain. Now." Brrrr...

If I were god, I'd make Dilbert a prophet and the collected works my Bible. I
remember walking to my HR guys cubicle one day and noticing the softboard all
around plastered with A3 size sheets. There he was, poor Chidambaram, wallowing
in a sea of white with grey English and Tamil font. Upon interrogation, he
detailed a mirthful tale. The Company Inspector or some such character, upon
his inspection, noted a glaring shortfall.

"Where are the employees rights and minimum wage rules? They are to be
displayed prominently. It is law"
"But I dont have an office or notice board"
"I dont care. Put it up where you can see it everyday."
"But I only have a cubicle!!!"
"Cubicle, shmubicle!!! Then put it up on the walls dear man!!!"

Thus there was poor Chidambaram, sitting in his 5 by 5 foot cubicle surrounded
by wall to wall photocopies. It goes without saying that the sublime white
blended well with the olive green and wood stain decor present all around. That
day I knew I was meant for a higher calling. That I would do something that
would make me enough money to do all the things I ever wanted.

All the things I ever wanted:
1. Watch all the football world cups live. Be there, get surrounded by sweaty
bodies, drunk Colombians or cordial English hooligans. See someone score a goal
a million miles away at the other end of the pitch. Scream with a million
voices, stand up, sit down, do the Mexican wave. Replays can go to hell. Viva
Brazil!!! Viva Espana!!! Viva Kerala Police!!!

2. Buy a little cottage in Kodai and run a cafe. That has to be one of my
greatest goals. Retire to the peace and quiet of that pristine hill station.
Serve overpriced Cappucino and adulterated Espresso to German tourists who are
suckers for "culture" and such other rarities back home. Tell them it tastes
like that cos its made from organic ayurvedic "kundithevidiya" flowers. In
short a simple honest life. If them Germans dont like it, they can go to
Brazil.

3. Write a book. Make millions in royalty. And that too with no sex in the
book. I refuse to write romance. I think all authors who write sex in their
work, are bloody deprived. They are all just living their own personal
fantasies. What else can explain Stevenson's "Long John Silver"? Bloody
impotent I tell you. My book will be either a) "Obesity for Dummies" under the
penname Adipose Dev Prahlad or b) "Dress Sharp: Apparel in orange and magenta"
and my piece de resistance c) "Weightloss and other unexplained phenomena".
Bestsellers, all of them.

4. Make a movie full of mystery and suspense. I was thinking "The XXXL Files:
Your size is out there".

5. Invent something. Something so popular they'll talk about me in the same
breath as O.L. Johnny and Pattom Thanu Pillai (both world-famous in Kerala).
Something useful yet innovative. Like a software that replaces every word with
more than seven letters in a business document with "crap". Or, even better,
something that makes every woman you see look like Sylvia Saint, or Mulund if
you have the Muthu frame of mind.

Aaah... much indeed do I have left to do in life. And thankfully I dont have to
be an investment banker, or a consultant, or even spectacularly employed to do
a lot of it. And thus I deftly come to the fag end of my mumblings.

The last few days, what with shortlists coming out, and all. Its been ups and
downs for a lot of people. Which reminded me of a fable, if you could so call
it, my placecom prof. at college told me. Dr. Mathru was a kickass prof. Rich
in metaphor and anecdote. Though I do not know how appropriate it is, I might
as well give it a shot. He said, your job is like arranged marriage. When you
start looking for the woman/man of your dreams, you want everything, family,
money, beauty, booty, minimum siblings, maximum property, education or cooking
skills etc.
And no one ever gets that one in a million special person they're looking for.
They try real real hard, but they never really make it. And then finally after
months, years of hard work marriage happens. Sometimes in all the wrong ways.
And then it all doesnt matter anymore after a while. Years down the line, you
dont care two hoots about all that you wanted and all the wonderful alliances
that didnt happen. You just praise the lord for what you have. And its the best
thing in the world as far as you know. Four years ago it made great sense to
me. If it doesnt to you, its ok.

Best of luck to all of you guys. Go forth brave and return victorious. No
"alliance" is worth clouding your last few weeks here at IIMA with doubt, fear
or regret. Shortlists will come and go, offers will come and go, and in keeping
with the trends, this Random Insane Mumblings too has come... and gone...

May your alliance make you praise the lord as well...

God Bless. Make us fachchas proud.
Fatcat.

Memoirs of an MBA...
July 26
Dear Diary,

I can't hold myself down. My FIRST day on the job!! And I like it already. "Assistant Junior Deputy to the Vice Chairman - Manufacturing". My dad was thrilled when he heard my designation. "What the f!@#!!!" was his exact words. Oh I love it when my parents are happy...

Need to meet HR in half an hour. I cant wait to get my first Employee ID Card and cubicle. I hope Parthasarathy Whatayblouse Crappers is the beginning of great things.

P.S. I have brought my favorite textbooks back from the insti. OD, OM and HR should help me grow rapidly in the organization. And I WILL handle soft issues before facing hard issues here at PWC.


July 28th
Dear Diary,

Had a lot of fun with HR yesterday. The guy who had recruited me had left a month ago. So they didnt know I was joining. We had a hearty laugh over that one. They made a small mistake on my employee ID too. Nothing big. Instead of "Stephen C Tern" it came out "Sphinc Ter". I thought it made me sound like a rock star. A lot of people found it funny though... strange...

I'll get my cubicle in a few days time. For the time being I am sharing a nice one with Claire. She's with Corporate Communication. The phone doesnt work though...


August 2nd
Dear Diary,

Met my boss today. He spend a lot of time with my CV and then asked me how I managed to get a job with them. (Even he knows how lucky they are to get me..) He told me to review our material ordering system in the err... umm... the... the "big yellow and blue noisy machine section" of the plant.

Claire is working on an "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The office boy had just resigned. So she got me to pose with an apron and a tray of cookies for a photo. They are going to call me Ramon and use it for ads. I am going to be famous.


August 7th
Dear Diary,

My first breakthrough. I have decided to order nickel ball bearings using the EQO.. QEO... whatever formula. It takes into account item cost, holding cost and weight of ball bearing I think. The purchase guy gave me a funny look when he saw my annual requisition contract form. He is obviously not an MBA...

Claire resigned today. She told me carry on with the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign.

P.S. Lesson for the week. You cannot order 0.7564 of a ball bearing. It has to be in whole numbers.


August 11th
Dear Diary,

I just got a shipment of 4384 ball bearings. I checked up with Engineering. They said that should be enough for around 14 years of requirement. I gave them 3 and stashed away the rest in a cupboard in my room. If prices of ball bearings go up, I see a lot of potential savings.

I have decided to develop informal channels of communication. From tomorrow I will spend a little time next to the coffee machine to understand the unspoken messages within the underbelly of the firm. (That OD book is good)


August 14th
Dear Diary,

I sent my first official letter today. It was to our Facilities manager Merry Le Bian. She is a hottie. I told her that the Coffee Machine takes too much time to reheat between refills. Wrote it in a WAC format and all with a table of contents and everything. She is sure going to impressed!! I spell checked it in MS word and emailed it to her an hour ago. No reply yet.

They scrapped the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The photo shoot was taking up too much time, and people were being forced to stay late without extra pay. Someone finally went and vandalised the banner. It now reads "Our Employers Shove Us". I offered to model for all the snaps and videos. They called me a dickhead. I was delighted. Dickhead is internal slang for "Big Stud". HR told me. Everyone calls me that...

P.S. One more shipment of ball bearings came. Again 4384. The contract can't be changed now. I dont have too much space left in my cupboard.


August 25th
Dear Diary,

My letter came back. It had a pink post-it on it from Merry. "Please proofread" it said. It was CC'd to my boss. How was I supposed to know MS Word would spell check her name and change it to Merry Lesbian????!!!! Where's natural justice?

Today five minutes before a meeting the cupboard door broke open. It took me ten minutes to pick up all the ball bearings from the floor. I had to run to the board room for the meeting and slipped on a bearing which rolled under the door. I fell on the coffee machine and tipped coffee powder into the polymer mixing maching tray. Noone saw anything.

P.S. Sorry for the long break. My computer crashed. There was a mail from an old friend. She's now married into the Welchia family I think. Crashed after that. Strange name that Welchia...


September 2nd
Dear Diary,

My boss told me I may not last the probation period. I was mighty thrilled to hear that. Imagine!! Permanent in less than three months!! That should be some sort of company record.

I made a presentation to all the staff yesterday. Some 300 people were there. I think I sent good vibes. Everyone was smiling and nodding their heads during the presentation. Someone later told me my fly was open the whole time. But I don't think anyone noticed. The presentation was on "An Open Culture: Let the feeling show!!"


p.s. 17156 ball bearings. I floated a scheme to give each employee a ball bearing for every year of service. The HR manager immediately convened a meeting with my boss. Every suggestion counts here at PWC.

September 4th
Dear Diary,

I have been transferred to the office in Sub-Saharan Africa. I will be heading the Room Heater and Hot Water Geyser products division. They have also told me to pay for all the ball bearings I bought. I think it speaks much of the entrepreneurial spirit. I have been told to leave immediately for Kujumbinana.

P.S. A foreign posting in under a year!!!


September 5th
Dear Diary,

I am in Kujumbinana. We don't have a branch here.......