Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Trunk Call

The other day I got a call from a long-lost friend of mine from college. And, as I always do when old college friends call me, I quickly asked him if he had seen a pair of burgundy and orange swimming trunks. I had lost them in 3rd year and have never seen them since except for a chance encounter in Bombay airport. Alas he had not and all he wanted was to check if I knew someone called Boris (not actual name) from Kanpur (not actual place) who may have studied with me in business school (not an actual school). He was apparently carrying out a secret background check on Boris for matrimonial purposes.

Let me assure you these are some of the most awkward phone calls you can ever receive. Even the most fun-loving (meaning mildly criminal) of people turn into massively self-rightesous zombies when they need to verify a person's marriageability. Now my friend, who we will call Friend, had miraculously turned into this malicious Jesuit from the Inquisitions. Every aspect of Boris's personality was ripped apart for the merest trace of moral weakness. The conversation was terse and highly unpleasant.

"So does Boris drink?"

"A little bit..."

"Good god..." said Friend. (Flashback to college when Friend routinely downed 7 bottles of beer and a couple of bottles of a whisky at a sitting. He even opened them sometimes.)

"But not too much, he was just a social drinker..."

"Thats how they all start. A few drinks in college, then a couple on the weekends at work. And before you know he is a wife-beating criminal..." (Friend conveniently forgot the time when he had one too many screwdrivers, picked up a cricket bat and beat the living daylights out of a goalpost. They later settled out of court.)

"And does he smoke? Tobacco? any of those other unspeakable plants?..." (To this day in Trichy they talk of the Great Smog of 1999, which was traced to Friend's room. He had smoked his way through a whole 4-kilo sack of premium fresh, run out, and was imbibing, out of desperation, the vapours of unwashed bed linen when we found him.)

"Nope nothing I knew of..."

'Hmm... I will need better sources. Sources who have more concern than you do for a poor girl's future..." (Friend holds the record for maximum arrests for eve-teasing in Thuvakudi police station history. A women's college was out on a "March for Literacy" and he was arrested for 43 violations in the space of 37 minutes. A plaque in the station commemorates the event and is a popular tourist attraction)

"But Boris is a nice guy. You have nothing to worry..."

"I will be the judge of that. And finally for 25 points did he have any affairs, romances and intimate interludes in college I should be aware of?"

"No da just the usual fooling around with the juniors..."

"Good god!! Sidin how can you speak of this so lightly??!! Wake up man!! Boris is a blackguard and a vagabond!!"

"No no he is a wonderful guy. Absolutely brilliant guy. If I could I would have married him!!!"

"What? Now you say he goes the other way?"

"No what I meant was any woman would want to marry him. He is a highly eligible bachelor..."

"Are you saying my little petunia is ANY woman for you?..." (Petunia was Friend's nickname for his sister. In turn she called him Tinku)

"No no sorry sorry..."

"Hmm... fine... and please dont tell me he is one of those porn junkies..." (Sometime in second year the college was moving to bring down an illegal construction adjacent to my hostel. Only to discover that it was Friend's bound collection of debs and playboys.)

"Well..."

"ENOOUGH!! No I think calling you was a big mistake... I know other people from your business school too you know..."

"But..."

"No I have heard enough..."

"Ok I am sorry yaar.."

"And just so that you know... I DO HAVE YOUR BURGUNDY SWIMMING TRUNKS..."

"Noooooo... sob"

39 comments:

Viky said...

God save his sister after she marries such a saint he is looking for..... :-)

raven said...

God save your swimming trunks after he's done marrying his sister off

Anonymous said...

Dude where the hell did you swin in Trichy!

Anonymous said...

the usual sidin...ROTFL stuff
how do you do it man??
well...I do remember reading another hillarious post on how you write this stuff....but can you explain this?
neways....eagerly awaiting the next update...
and the first book too...

Shah Navas said...

Hey,

Why dont u sign up for Google's Adsense ???

AP said...

Absolutely ROFTL!!! :)))

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

One of your best. The asides about the Friend are in the Dave Barry class - I know no higher praise.

J.A.P.

Manish Chauhan said...

Hahahahaha

J'Adore said...

lol... i was doing something very like this just last week, with ppl in their 30s that too! :-S

I find the key is to say something like 'i wouldnt want to pry into anyone's life. you should let Petunia talk to Boris herself, and she what she decides.'

thelearner said...

Brilliant.

Would have liked an ending with a little more punch, though.

nn said...

Hey, You think this is tough?? Its worse being the friend of a potential bride...

Anuj said...

booze.. dope..(few other things ) and thuvakudi :) life in rect wuld have been so dull without them :)

Shah Navas said...

Sidin,

I was just going thru ur "Dear Diary"

http://sidin.blogspot.com/2004_02_01_sidin_archive.html

Whats the connection???

A random stuff??

C'est la vie said...

Really good read. That friends needs to be whipped

Sameera said...

hey sidin

how u doin? nice post as usual
funny :)

good luck on ur decision and its follow up

god bless
nd yeah the day u release a book we will buy it :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Sid , hope you dont get bored of breaking your own record for writing the most hilarious anecdotes. simply .. FUNTASTIC .. All the best for your free lancing venture .

- Ruf

the Monk said...

pretty good, as usual...but some of the humour seemed to be slightly forced...I suppose this is one of those things where you have to be there...by the way, me an NITTian too...

Anonymous said...

it was hilarious alright.
but, it seems i expect too much of your posts, already!

seems like it's hard work to live up to everyone's expectations ...

anyway, good work & keep writing!

Deepti said...

Hey Sid, it was just mid blowing.....and too hillarious....just loved it... very true how people forget what all they used to do

Ladki said...

Hi, started out reading my dose of sepia mutiny, which lead me down (just like Alice) thru various paths to your wonderful blog. I have been giggling and then nodding my head ever since. Thanks heaps and good luck with the writing. BTW, this entry made me LOL b/c it's what my parents are currently doing, ekk ::shudders::!

Anonymous said...

Sidin,dont be heartless...u too have a sis,rt?

Anonymous said...

Ahem! So, you wouldn't know - what happened to that collection, do you ;-)

666 said...

Hi Sidin ... I am a follower of urs ... and I truly enjoy them ....but this one looks highly fabricated and exagerated ... sorry didnt like it

Vinatha Pai said...

This is a great piece! Entertaining yet, astute! Keep them coming!

Vinatha Pai said...

Great Piece! Entertaining yet astute! Keep them coming!

Vinatha Pai said...

Great Going! Entertaining yet astute! Keep em coming!

Vinatha Pai said...

Great Going! Entertaining yet astute! Keep em coming!

Vinatha Pai said...

Great Going! Entertaining yet astute! Keep em coming!

Bulco said...

Tinku ??? Tinku !!! ROTFL !!!

theidiot said...

it sucked!

someone had to balance all that adulation. not good for a young mind.

-my good deed for the day

the word verification is foeof. think i already got your response for this!

theidiot said...

oops sorry. wrong blog wrong comment. too many blogs open.

abject apologies.
now you know the name is justified.kidnly remove that comment.

Abdulla syed said...

If am permitted.

The first pragraph was to your standerds.
but think about the potential, it would have in a book, when the freinds character is properly developed.(you wont need to eulogise the freind)

i want to stop but can help commenting dude

dazedandconfused said...

Hilarious! Really enjoyed reading it!

Anonymous said...

Hey..did I read Thuvakkudi police station ???

Da...we all know that there was only One dude who was their all time favorite n their Worst Nightmare during those times....

Please dont tell me this is about our good old Socialist Comrade

for all u know there mite be a Jeep full of People waiting in the shadows for that one phone call to beat u up into pulp!!!

~Deepu~

Venky said...

Dude,
you're really really really funny. Seriously.

-Venky

Anonymous said...

Friend holds the record for maximum arrests for eve-teasing in Thuvakudi police station history. A women's college was out on a "March for Literacy" and he was arrested for 43 violations in the space of 37 minutes. A plaque in the station commemorates the event and is a popular tourist attraction........... YOU ROCK DUDE.... THATS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE HEARD IN A LONG TIME!!!!

Yours Truly said...

I guess this is one of the many 'arrange-marriage' stunts that are common in India. A friend at work was asking about some arrange-marriage jokes from India - this will be a good start for him..Good one!

Anonymous said...

absolutely hilarious!!!!! dunno bout others but u keep going at ur book....i would spend good money on ur writing......
take care buddy

nivas

Anonymous said...

he he, funny stuff ... btw, u tried to model this "Friend" of urs on Sikkim ??