Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Work in Progress

Mon Amis,

You will bear with me as I ramble on.

Since Friday I have been sitting at home working on a book and a couple of blog posts. After some final tweaking and rewriting I can confidently say that both posts will never see the light of day. They are so outrageously unfunny that I was more than glad when my antivirus, shocked by the sheer lack of humour in them, deleted them voluntarily. Hell, every time I tried saving it my computer asked me "Do you want to save this file? Really?"

After looking for comedic inspiration in all matter of dvds, stitcoms and even a few infomercials the only decent joke I had was one involving gulab jamuns, club sandwiches and a Korean couple. Stop shuddering. So I packed my rucksack with a Bryson, a notebook and a book about the Daimler-Chrysler merger and off I set for South Bombay and the old colonial ambience of heritage buildings, narrow roads and a Reliance Webworld.

Nothing kicks off a day better than a nice traditional breakfast of McAloo Tikki and a Soft Serve Cone at the McD opposite VT. Now apparently all the restaurants in the world have signed a pact whereby they are disallowed to play the TV over the audio system. So while the audio streams Britney Spears, the TV is invariably tuned to assorted news channels. The less discerning might think that this is not so bad. But today morning the combined effect was one of Harkishen Singh Surjeet vigorously serenading a press conference with "Dont'cha wish your girlfirend was hot like me." (If you thought this was bad think again. At a Subway I once saw Sheila Dixit earnestly telling Rajdeep Sardesai, during a debate on the Criminal-Politician nexus, that infact, she liked big butts and she did not lie. Mr. Sardesai was not amused.)

It was all too much and I quickly ate my breakfast, washed it all down with a coke and a happy meal and stepped out. Right outside an oldish looking man was critically analyzing his grandson's report card. Grandson stood by his side looking a little worried. Without being too nosey I peered over the man's shoulder and tried to see how the little fella had done. Hmm.

I guess it is one of the great paradoxes of our education system that a student, whose grades clearly showed he could not speak any language, knew nothing of history, and probably thought a hypotenuse was an occupied airplane toilet, could have scored 97% in General Knowledge. Man. The kid needed help and fast. When I left the pair, grandad was just about to McGrill his McAss. (Report Card. Excellent topic for a blog. Jotted down in notebook.)

Deciding Flora Fountain was my next stop, I then whipped out my cool shades, pulled up my jeans, geared up for the long walk and hailed a cab.

By now it was lunch time and so I went into a Reliance Webworld where I could combine broadband with a snack bar and soon was logged in and browsing away. Around me were several online traders, many online gamers, and atleast ten people doing both. In a corner was a TV blaring out CNBC. There was a dignified old foreign man in impeccable shirt, jeans and standard issue Fabindia jacket browsing what looks like teenbuttslap.com. Classy.

The TV pours out a report about Bombay airport. Apparently half the employees are missing, THE conveyor belt is not working, flights are delayed by days and passengers are stranded. And now this strike too. Tut tut. The High Court asked strikers to stay away from the airports to which, in a press conference, they replied: "Blech". A quick flip of all the channels revelaed that there was a sting operation or an expose on all the news channels. (Aha news channels. I noted it down.)

Around me was a swirling mass of school kids and daytraders spewing some of the most colourful Hindi I have ever heard. Some of the best included "Hero Honda (expletive) saala (expletive) ek lakh gaya (expletive) ke (expletive) mein (expletive) diya" and of course "Take the (expletive) submachine gun you (expletive) (expletive) (expletive) little (expletive)" to which little (expletive) replied "And didnt your (expletive) ever tell you to (expletive) turn off the (first time ever word) friendly fire you ugly srawny little (expletive) (expletiving) idiot!" (In between I noticed that one of the guys on Counterstrike had the nick Lucy...)

All in all the environs were overwhelmingly inspirational. After five minutes I knew 17 different new things I could gently place in one's (expletive). But just two bits of inspiration for a blog. So I packed up and decided to see if a little walk might help. Walking down the roads in the fort area are a pleasure. Everyone tries to sell you something. And there were a lot of weird things on sale. I saw rusted horseshoes (no house should be without one), a hawker who specialised in shaving brushes and that essential footpath impulse purchase, a set of steel dongles for navel piercings. (Notice how I deftly avoided sailor jokes.)

But the real mirth lies in the ridiculously labelled pirate DVDs. They had that great british countryside sci-fi epic "The Revenge of Smith", not to mention the timeless "Highglander" a scottish man saves the world from killer hormones, and the family favourite "Jur Assic Park". (I was noting down all this feverishly.) All this in the shadows of heritage buildings with smart little steel plates outside that described the impressive history of these protected buildings. (Wait this reminds me of an old blog idea. Corrupt signage. As in stupid signboards. I have seen many including one which said "Do not chess with wild ass".)

I walked all the way back to VT and decided it was time to go home to work on some of these brilliant ideas. The life of a writer was indeed proving to be more challenging than I expected. But then with such wonderful sources of inspiration all around us why should I worry? Or as that wonderful sign in a restaurant in Wadala says: "Service our pleasure, after eating leave."

Sensible blogs in progress. Please to wait.

Sidin

29 comments:

Arthur Quiller Couch said...

Dude, if this is your unfunny level, give me more!

Anonymous said...

Finally!!

(In between sobs)I got so tired of checking when you would update. Didnt ye say that the updates would be more frequent now that you've quit??

(Visibly cheered at reading new post)

Through the Looking Glass said...

I dont know whether to feel relieved or angry that I am not part of the blog, given that I met you once in one of your walks down in South Bombay :)

In any case, good comeback! Waiting for more!!!

Anonymous said...

For the record, and NOT to be nitpicky, it should say "Mes Amis"!

Anonymous said...

Hey that was a disappointing blog - you have done better.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant man.ROTFL

Shruthi said...

Hey that was fun..... I usually refrain from comparing peoples' styles.... but forgive me, I just could not resist - your style is highly reminiscent of Dave Barry's!
Note: I mean it as a compliment. ;)

Anonymous said...

deadly stuff...especially "hypotenuse...occupied airplane toilet"
where do you think up such stuff man?
keep 'em coming....
and yes..your style is highly similar to that of dave barry's...and I too mean it as a compliment..
to dave barry
:)
Lola

Anonymous said...

you could have and have done better...never compromise on standards dont they say?

Anonymous said...

Rashmi Bansal had written about IITians joining politics. Here, we seem to be having a contrarian view-from what you have writen about Surjeet and Dixit, it seems they want to be deemed "cool" . Rajdeep was rightfully annoyed-must have seemed completly unauthentic and totally out of character.
In case you don't know, Rang de Basanti has shown how to deal with expletives. If you had followed their footsteps, the writeup would seem more authentic and interesting.

Anonymous said...

Hi
Got an excerpt of your blog from a friend.
Read it.
smiled.
Laughed.
Guffawed.
And I came here and added my comment!
The excerpt was about "all the restaurants in the world have signed a pact whereby they are disallowed to play the TV over.... "

rEEna
chengappa.reena@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

someone is surely going to make a "life" out of writing if ppl from next planet start leaving their mail ids in comments! OR ppl take time to read others comments too!!Divesification helps is one thing i learnt in b-school...

Anonymous said...

couldnt help but empathize with my south mumbai exp....i have always thought that one would find only in Mumbai, the hawkers selling downrightly strange stuff....but whatever said I have never got back from south mumbai without taking a walk towards nowhere or buying a book off fountain area(miss 'em)....just everything abt that place....is....enchanting...
some old world charm i should say!!!!

SR said...

it's "mes amis"

Anonymous said...

hmmm...acute case of writer's blog huh?

Anonymous said...

There are about 30 ppl on this side of the floor that I sit, and everyone is watching me, as I roll out with laughter.

Dude, you rock!

Radha.

Chitra said...

Ha ha good observations !!

Anonymous said...

was not _that_ funny

Anonymous said...

man...this was one of the most hilarious post ever. i had to close this email forward to not let the cat outta the bag about me now working. coz every few lines a guffaw suppressed with tremendous difficulty would escape!
keep them coming...cheers

Anonymous said...

Great blog. Note, "mon ami" for singular, "mes amis" for plural.

Venky said...

Talking about killer slogans - this one is stuff legends are made with - take a deep breath ... here goes
"Mony loss is nothing loss but cariter loss is everythisg loss" - Thats Verbatim from a bus in Calcutta - don't belive me? lookie here - http://venkythinky.blogspot.com/2006/01/iamback.html

-Venky

Venky said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pantha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pantha said...

Genius! Need Ganguly and Nikhil Chopra there. Even I can make fun of them!

Sachita said...

Sidin,

Just came to your blog thru' a friend's forward( about the south indian guy blog....).

I know you have heard this a zillion times, but once more - your blogs are truly hilarious.

Started reading your old blogs - just finished 2003 after a day and a lot more to go.

Please keep writing, on our part we will keep clicking on the ads!

Anonymous said...

so sitcomish...american too.
Feels like i've seen some jokes in other packages, and wish u hadnt hopped all over the place and talked more about Mc D

What say you write a play? That'd be fun, am sure it'd bring out some original jokes/humour/satire...personally prefer the last, but who's to say you care a damn.

And do get better critics of your work than folks like the ones on left who sound like bored creatively challenged executives who could not construct a sentence and who have been exposed to kkk serials during childhood and are now starved of entertainment
Its easy to get complacent on their praises...

chaloh! have a good life. :)

Rohit Wason said...

Good one dude....as always!

Anonymous said...

hey this article is funny, but there is something glaringly wrong in thia article. Gundappa Vishwanat is from Karnataka and not Andhra Pradesh. Well Rahul Dravid has modeled his batting after Gundappa. Who can forget those fluent square cuts!!

Anonymous said...

Wah Hey Sidin..that was good.But rectians know how you play football..Gulti Here