Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Daily Exorcise - Part 1 (The HipHop Remix)

Hey hey hey. Forgotten me already have you? Thought I was gone for good? You are very, very wrong but then I won’t blame you. Its not your fault really. How were you to know that I have been terribly busy with things of a rather personal nature. Of course I will share it with you, no secrets between reader and author on this blog, but not right now. The time is not right. Patience I tell you. All in good time.

But what I CAN tell you is that I have joined a gym. A proper one with treadmills and exercycles and dumbbells and spindly things with weights and handles and steel and chrome and all. Yes I have joined a gym all over again.

Sigh.

Avid readers of this blog, yes all three of you, will know that Sidin Sunny Vadukut has always been most robust when it comes to matters of the waist. He has always enjoyed a good meal of tandoori chicken, rotis, dal makhani and custard followed by a soup and main course and has often been described, in friends circles, as 'cuddly', 'well-fed' and 'cute in a healthy sort of way'. If anyone looked at me and quipped that the pounds were gathering around me in little jiggly ripples of cheer I would merely, and coolly, shrug them off the first time and then roundhouse kick them in the face the second. (Well not as much roundhouse kick as smother them between my elbows. I can’t actually lift my leg that high.)

It was not a bad life really. With the right wardrobe of loose Fabindia kurtas and open-minded draw-string pants I was managing to maintain my self esteem nicely. (Yes there was that incident in that Air Deccan flight. But I ensure you I did not mean to get stuck like that and delay the onward sector by two hours.) Nothing to complain really. And yes pass me that Dal Makhani please. And a nan please. With BUTTER!

But of late, because of this personal thing I was referring to earlier, I had to wear a lot more of those stodgy inflexible formal pants. So off I went and bought myself a few pairs of regulation navy blue and dark brown formal pants that no self-respecting man’s wardrobe is complete without. (Unless you are Bappi Lahiri perhaps. But I doubt even he respects himself. Awwa awwa it seems!)

Then two weeks ago I suddenly noticed that something strange had happened to my pants. My feet went in alright and the shins and knees managed to enter without incident. Things began to get a little ‘testy’ higher up. By the time the fabric had been pulled up to my waist things were looking very very bad.

When I mean ‘tight’ I don’t mean hold your breath in and slip in the button’ tight. Oh ho ho no. I mean ‘scream in agony, get at least one hernia and pass out’ tight. I immediately did what a man had to do. Especially if he wanted to stay one. I ripped off the worsted wool, settled into a lungi and let out a sigh of relief among other things.

Except for one pair of jeans, which I could fit into by getting my roomies to hold the pair up open while I jumped feet first into the cavity from the dining table, the rest of my legwear lay crumpled around my bedroom laughing at me mockingly. Nothing irks like a deprecating length of corduroy.

(Enter hip-hop type loop here. Rap following lines...)

Things were getting out of hand.
And my waistband.
I was forced to understand.
No more room to expand.
No more the gourmand.
Between long term health and death unplanned...
this, mofo, was the final stand.

(End loop. Wait for women to get off you and applause to die. Continue.)

The very next day, after a pizza lunch, I ran to the gym next to my place here in Wadala. I stepped in with a heavy heart, a heavier wallet but with considerable determination.

If you are one of those people who like economics a lot you will note, in addition to the fact that you have very few friends, how several economic theories are based on human beings being
‘rational’. This means that they make logical decisions, are predictable and that he or she is a ratio or quotient of two integers, usually written as the vulgar fraction a/b, where b is not zero.

Well then, step into any gym, go stand next to the billing area and you will see why the above reasoning is absofreakinglutely wrong. A gym membership is to disposable income what a blackhole is to light, a Vadukut is to spicy fish curry and a Bush is to crude producing nations without democracy. These memberships grab impressionable young men and women in their evil sweaty tentacles and suck them dry till the victim is left with no personal wealth except small change and Sodexho passes in awkward denominations. (When this happens you can only either have Idlis or Murgh Mussallam and nothing in between. It sucks.)

Yet, in spite of the inevitable financial challenge, everyday thousands of young men weighing millions of kilos fork out hajjar for gym memberships. And they do this with rosy visions of high impact cardio programs, macho free weights routines, six-pack abs and, most importantly, for a decent shot at the hot dietician who comes in once a week.

But for a person like me, with the aerodynamic quality of a teakwood sofa-cum-bed, the gym, alas, is the last resort. I just had to regain the perfect posture and endless stamina that had abandoned me, after years of neglect, sometime in kindergarten.

So there I was. Melancholy yet intense. Sitting in a chair while I waited for the gym manager to initiate me into my gym routine. He was going to measure every measurable dimension of my body and then weigh me. After this I was supposed to get up, step over all the tiny pieces of my self-esteem that lay scattered across the floor, and go meet the dietician who would go over my readings and give me a review.

Her eyes ran over the tiny ballpoint pen measurements while I looked at the weighing scale sitting ominously in a corner smirking.

Is Sidin’s weight loss too big to solve? Will he ever be able to regain his self confidence and esteem? Will he ever be able to fit into his flat-fronted corduroys again? Will the dietician see the sensitive human being inside the cellulite? Is she single? Will Sidin ever write part two of a two-part blog?

All that much more in Daily Exorcise – Part 2… Coming soon…

49 comments:

silverine said...

Thank god today is a holiday and I am alone on my floor...no one to throw me out for laughing hysterically!! This was a hilarious and brilliant description!! :)

Gulam Hasan said...

Yay!! Go sidin we are with you...Go ask the dietician out..n hey we are with you on the gym bit also :-)

Ganesh said...

Top drawer stuf once again! Keep it going!

അരവിന്ദ് :: aravind said...

Good read...but honestly not as cool as ur previous posts.
Sidin, take your time to get the ideas, we will wait without complaints.
But when you write, write real side splitting humour as you had often done before.

Gud Luk!
(waiting for part2)

If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

Ah the gym..I've had many a tryst with them...Then I actually got a treadmill at home...thinking it was more economical and easier on my self-esteem with no flat stomached babes to laugh at me...

it makes a lovely side piece in the living room...almost like an abstract art installation.

sopeti said...

So u started to Excercise to get out of the Excess-Size bracket..
All d best..
Waiting for the 2nd part from a slimmer sidin :-)

shub said...

loved this one :)
Happy gymming :D

Gini said...

Very funny. I have been trying to gather strength to join a gym, but for me the hope is to put on some weight. It is going to be dal makhani and butter naan for me now..looks like it helped you add some kilos.

SEV said...

There is a flipside to such stories as well, the skinny dude, who goes to the gym 'to build up' for 2 years, and ends up... with no effect at all.

I'm that guy.

Anonymous said...

Sidin,
I thought I'd never say this ... but this post was a let down. It was funny in a very 'weak' sort of way .... NOT the usual "roll me over", "tears-in-my-eyes" kind of funny .... please please dont go down this lane of mediocrity... we expect much better of you...
Jay

Stone said...

Sidin ko bhoolna mushkil hi nahi na-mumkeen hai :-)

Strider said...

Nice one ...

Reminded me of another post of yours where ur skinny friend was (apparently) going to the gym ..

kuch aisa to nahi kar rahe ho aap??

PSR Chaitanya said...

Nice read but not the usual killer stuff we expect from u.

Canary said...

hehe..funny! i have joined the gym too (but not after reading this post :p )
dropped in at ur blog after ages, and its as interesting as ever.. :)

smart-alecky said...

The best line "aerodynamic quality of a teakwood sofa-cum-bed" I bet.
BTW why no try the gym the company provides. I found it was a good way to save money. Gyms outside charge Rs 2K+ for a month and here at office its for free. So if I don't go to the gym next door and the gym at office I save Rs 2k+. Hee. Hee. Hee.

Radha Krishna. S. said...

Vola Buddy! How much did Me enjoy reading it!

Good to see one after such a long weight.

Keep it coming. Btw, what happened to your book?? Has it hit the shelves??

Me.

n said...

most funnily written :)
i'm in wadala too, if its a good gym, pls recommend :D

Tanushree said...

You actually have four avid readers of your blog. Not three. :D
Ahem, here's an Inspirational Weight Loss Quote--
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

raxterize said...

(End loop. Wait for women to get off you and applause to die. Continue)

That real fly, dogg. Respect.

Dunno about others, but I was chuckling throughout thinking about it.

Laiz and genmen, Put yo hands up for tha' sidsta!!

R said...

Awesome blog you have!:) Not a day goes without checking on your blog. Keep up the good work!!!

Karthika said...

Volia The Gym Guy has finally arrived to the blogosphere after a hiatus...

Hey do carry on with ur Gymming but Continue wit your blogging as well.

PizzaDude said...

I totally echo strider's comment. I was also thinking the same after reading the initial few lines ;)

cream pie said...

Busy with things of a rather personal nature...that requires wearing formal stodgy trousers..Hmmm..that combination can really mean only one scenario that also has bells, tiered cake and a female figure in white. ITS YOUR WEDDING!!!! and IT WAS YOUR ENGAGEMENT!!! *collective gasp from the female fan-mob*

rwhat said...

way too funny man. had me laffing all the while.
the hip hop really 'rocked'. as good as any of them brothers out there.

Anonymous said...

Excellent one sidin. not laughed so much in the last 3 weeks. this was mazing. abt the losing weight n flabs. u need just 3-4 months of hard work.only roti n dal n swimming for an hour .thats all.trust me. u will lose abt 20 pounds or so . Addy

Suvasanamayee said...

reminds what happened to me three weeks back...and now wake early in the morning to reach office early so that i can start the day's work(out) early!!! all the aches and pains are just waiting to hit:)

Surya Ragunaathan said...

Grinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!

Sameera said...

hey sidin
nice to have u back...yeah we are obviously curious about part 2..but i have a feeling u doing all this "excorcise" is for a member of the fairer sex..so what's the dietician doing in between :p

or is she the one?

Di said...

all the best with the gymming....:)

shyamala said...

Waiting for more :D I'm gymming it myself and totally empathise with you!

Anonymous said...

The part about the SodexHo passes of mixed denominations.....amazing :D

Anonymous said...

six packed authors.chuck palahniuk,you.
dont loose your sense of humor with the butter.

Anonymous said...

this was boring. we need to up the standards.

Anu said...

Good one.. especially abt "Bush is to crude producing nations without democracy. "... waiting for part 2

riggs said...

Is Sidin Riggs? Riggs is also joining a gym for the very same reasons.

Flaashgordon said...

Hey !

Enjoyed that one ! Esp the hiphop rap..And the sodexho passes!
A few months ago i joined a gym when in the exact situation due to the exact same reason of yours ..that of " Personal Nature"..
Alas ! The only part of me which really lost weight was my wallet...Well, had blogged on that. Click on my name for the same

Awaiting ur 2nd part with bated breath!
cheers
flaash

Pourush said...

rockin..as usual..
herez a tip..join the gym wth the escalators on the entrance, n a masala poori stall ryt behind it..
i know it beats tht whole idea, bt, wat the heck..

dharmabum said...

easy, fluid, witty...

having known u a bit, wanted to ask u if u can actually,physically manage a roundhouse kick, but the explanation followed immediately :)

i'm curious abt comments that go like...'we need to improve the standards...' and so on...wonder what they expect - ur fans ?

great fun being here. way to go, brother!

jammy said...

A post after a long while...after regular visits...and subsequent disappointments...finally read something here :-)

Atul Vaidya said...

this was good..but i liked balle balle in delhi better

Pramod said...

cracked up like i always do reading ur blogs... keep it coming...

Aunt Jackie said...

Love your blog, work with a friend of yours, Vikram. Do you mind if I put a link to you on my blog?

arun jacob mathew said...

Loved all these:

‘Except for one pair of jeans, which I could fit into by getting my roomies to hold the pair up open while I jumped feet first into the cavity from the dining table, the rest of my legwear lay crumpled around my bedroom laughing at me mockingly.’

‘(End loop. Wait for women to get off you and applause to die. Continue.)’

‘absofreakinglutely’

‘A gym membership is to disposable income what a blackhole is to light, a Vadukut is to spicy fish curry and a Bush is to crude producing nations without democracy.’

‘for a person like me, with the aerodynamic quality of a teakwood sofa-cum-bed’

and many more.
Waitin' for part 2!!

Scribbler said...

i empathise. tell me how it goes after 2 months. I fell into a similar trap (with all the previous trappings, mind you)... haven't seen the inside of the place for about 3 weeks now. It's another thing i moved cities... but still.

d_grail said...

i am planning to fall into a similar trap due to the symptoms mentioned by you....god save the wallet!

Anonymous said...

I totally feel for you. Going through the same pain myself. After going to the gym for 2 wks to lose weight, I added 5lbs:-( Crying.

-kajan

The Inner i said...

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

kristen said...

Heey! Very nice site u have here! I love travel sites, simply cuz I love traveling. The best part about traveling (IMO) is the freedom that is gives you!! Aaand.. also the opportunity to take in the sights, sounds n cultures of new places!! 

You guys should also check out this site called http://globster.com. It’s awesome for deals on flights!! (it’s not like I’m trying to promote anything. But this site is worth its salt)

Have fun

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