Thursday, November 23, 2006

Afteryouth. For Men.

The other day, on my way back home from the gym in a cab, I stopped at a store to buy a bottle of water and some bread. I whipped out my wallet, settled the bill and then walked out. A few nanoseconds later I heard someone call out from behind me. Well he actually puckered his lips and sucked air at me. It was that precise 'kissing the air' noise they make in Mumbai which works like accurate telepathy. In a crowd of a hundred people you know when someone is calling out to you via the tight 'o' formation and air intake through his mid-face orifice. I have tried it myself but it makes me feel like there is electricity passing my lips. (And not in a nice Mills&Boon sort of way.)

Anyways I pivoted around deflty on the balls of my foot (all that gymming) and saw the shop keeper striding over with my wallet, change, bottle of water and bread in his hands. And his lips were recoiling back to their normal state of rest. I smiled at him sheepishly and gladly took back my possessions. And then I walked back to the kerb and took a cab home. A cab, which on later reflection I noted, was not the one I had embarked from the gym in the first place.

As I stood under the shower soaking away the pains from bench-pressing a hundred pounds (by which I mean twenty) it suddenly occured to me that I might be, gasp, GETTING OLD.

I was forgetting things. I sometimes forget what I forgot and sit at home thinking about nothing in particular but feeling very perturbed. After an hour I get up thinking 'What the heck! If I dont remember it probably does not matter!' and decide to go home after one more coffee.

Or something like that.

When does one know when one is getting long in the tooth? When the old cranium is beginning to age a mite? When the youthful period of one's life has, prepare for simile, slowly drawn its way into the slog overs and is beginning to reach for balls clearly way outside off stump only to potter it away to point and not get even a single thus garnering the spectator's hatred?

The realization was all too sudden I tell you. And the realization mightily hit me when my little brother was in town last weekend. He is a full four years younger than me and is still gloating away in his early twenties. Just yesterday he was this little kid running around the house playfully spraying window cleaner into my eyes while I was trying to read a volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica with a Letters to Penthouse hidden inside. (Did I tell you that he once got carried away during a wrestling broadcast on TV, bounced around the living room and finally leapt onto me? It ended with the doctors removing an inch long piece of toothpick from my head. This actually happened.) And suddenly today he is urging me to go out and get some fresh air with my friends so he can sit at home and read my copy of Don Quixote but actually polish off my bottle of Smirnoff Green Apple which I keep hidden away in the cupbooard for emergencies.

It is a scary thought you know. That suddenly you are no longer what older people call, with contempt, 'youth'. Thats just completely horrible. For the last ten years or so I have thoroughly enjoyed being 'youth'. I could get away with so much stupidity and people would think nothing of it. They blamed it on my young blood, hot temper and stray pheromones. But today I go to a Vijay Sales and click-twirl away on the Xbox360 for a bit and suddenly they look at me like some out of work middle-aged vagabond who is a singer or writer or something. They walk over and ask: "Gift for someone sir?"

I hate it.

Of course how does it matter to all of you? You all are 'youth'. This is a 'youth hangout' remember. You guys can still wear your ripped jeans and captioned t-shirts and dance to loud music and noone would say a thing. (At worst they would blame your parents. 'Kids today are raised so badly...' the society ladies at the next table would mutter behind their Daiquiris.)

So when does one know when one has finally crossed the merry but perilous chasm of youth and stepped beyond? It is when the drinks don't hit you as much and wine seems like a serious drink? Is it when you look at Sania Mirza and think 'She could be hot when she gets older...' (She will. Trust me on this.) Or is it when you visit a relatives house and the little kids run around you shouting "Sidin uncle Sidin uncle we want chocolate we want chocolate...!" and then leap onto you making you wish you carried window cleaner with you always.

I don't know. All this burden of complete adulthood is too much you know. I don't know if I am ready for it.

You know what? I think I will call this feeling of mine 'Afteryouth'. Yes indeed. Afteryouth. For Men. Between 27 and 30. Not bad eh? Afteryouth is this mellow feeling of being old enough to look at things like this and frown but young enough to still, say, appreciate Eminem or the Pussycat Dolls. (Though I will most probably appreciate them for a long long time to come.)

I like that. So what do you do in your Afteryouth? Tell me. And if you are still in your youth then leave gentle comments will you? We are very sensitive us 'afteryouth types'.

There was another important thing I wanted to talk about. You will not believe this but...

37 comments:

Zero said...

Priceless.

- An 'afteryouth' in spirits.

P.S.:- Men in their 'afteryouth' gradually stop using exclamatory marks.

Vivek said...

Brilliant..

...men in their afteryouth keep thinking about " the good things they had and the good things they lost along the way"

Just Mohit said...

I was going to write something...
But I forgot :(

Guess I'm in after-afteryouth!

pourush said...

oh! so u were the one!!..i paid tht poor cab driver for u..the guy cribbed all throughout abt some 'phat aadmi' gettin his rear tyres punctured, n runnin away wthout payin..man, there was water all over the seats!!..didnt seem like all 'sweat' to me!..

s said...

wait till you hit 30 mate!!
you'll be so bowled over by the depression, no amounts of smirnoff apple or bacardi breezer will get u out I haven't woken up yet...and it's been 18 months(since 30).
youthful days...*sigh*.

Rishi said...

:)).."afteryouth"..I guess I fall in it now, cause every kid I have come across calls me an uncle!!...and I still love whisky!!

Anonymous said...

Sidin, the quality of ure writing is going downhill man.. Too much of volume I guess. Have been reading all your Business line articles.. Not upto the mark.

Anyways when is ure book planned..?? Thatll be the real litmus test!

Riggs said...

Heh heh,

I must say, I rather enjoyed that. I nodded my head in agreement to some of gthe stuff to.

I'm 35. If someone tells you that Life begins at 30, don't believe the bastard.

You know what makes one feel really ancient? Songs that were new when you listened to them are now on Classic Mtv.

Enjoy.

n said...

The pussycat dolls? For this alone we will send you back to school :D

BRAT said...

awesome!!! u keep gettin better with every post!!!

Anonymous said...

absolut afteryouth

nothingman02 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nothingman02 said...

Hmmm..nice one dude...id like to think though that the place/region(society/country rather)where one is at might have a particular influence on the concept...Living in an environment and society in 'A' would make one feel a lot different than living in 'B'. Divorced or otherwise,most of the people being single in their 30s n 40s too makes quite a difference as opposed to a society where everyone around you is married and settled with kids and a job and has an established closeknit, and perhaps intrusive culture and community and stuff....hope that blah above makes some sense though...i had a smoke in between and forgot everything before the drag....
...or something like that :)

And also.....

Harsha said...

some things just keep getting better with time.....like ur writing....from the youth to the afteryouth ....cheers!!!

Anonymous said...

sidin vadakut,
and finally after a long time something worth commenting on.

happy that u are working out.

what about the book sidin?

and i am sure something nice has happened .i just hope she is sweet enough for u.

afteryouth for men isn't very pleasant rignt?
but afteryouth for women is a very nice stage.
no, it great. i am 33.and enjoying this phase.
one thing is that we stop shopping around for love. most of us are hitched to decent guys. all our emotional securities are either settled or abandoned. afteryouth means most of us our mothers. we have had the biggest adventure of our lives and we know how to juggle toddlers, mother in laws , husbands , the office and still find time to gymn, blog,write poetry, be the perfect daughters and so on.
we know all about time management. we have shed our pregnancy fat and can slide back into our college jeans.we have conquered the art of cooking.
my friends tell me its better at forty.

god bless
iw

Aqua said...

Right said fred. i had been planning on posting about this "after youth" phase for a whiel now. but you beat me to it! we after-youthers are so used to responding to any communication that is addressed to "youth". the moment of truth for me happened when i saw a workshop/camp on something advertised on a flier. it said.."calling all youth to yada yad". i was about to take down the contact tele nos when i caught sight of a small postscript at the bottom of the ad "open to people aged between 18 to 28". Thud! it hit me like a ton of bricks...i'm not "youth" anymore? but i still feel the same way inside. booo hooo *runs away sobbing hysterically*

IdeaSmith said...

LOL...we have taken to remembering that we now have our own money to spend in whatever way we want. And we use it to buy useless funny stuff just to remind ourselves that we can enjoy our old age as much as these kids enjoy their youth!

Brilliantly funny post, Sidin!

Deepti said...

Wow!I thought 23 was old.Nice to know I aint a fossil yet!

Anonymous said...

as someone who just hit 31, i cud totally relate to you.

Anonymous said...

Sidin is becoming less funny nowadays...can this be a symptom of After Youth?

Tony said...

Now that you mentioned it, I can clearly visualise her as she get older. Sania ie. OH Shit, this is after youth..

അരവിന്ദ് :: aravind said...

".......and then leap onto you making you wish you carried window cleaner with you always."

Man!! This sort of humour makes you unique :-))

ultimate mate! keep going!

mazel tov!

Hitanshu said...

Superb post man. Just completely loved it. Echoes my feelings at turning 24 :D

fact or fiction said...

What the f**** I am not in the after youth stage and I will add plenty of dudes and smilies to prove that. Damn to think 30 was three years away was my biggest fear and now you coined a new term for me. Dont like it and the worst is that all points you made are true for me too..... boo hooo

Anonymous said...

Most importantly, men in their afterYouth ramble a lot. Ur definitely in it.

Anonymous said...

Totally unfunny.

Anonymous said...

I knew my afteryouth began when teenagers in the building started to call me aunty. I was aware the condition had progressed even further when sales people eyed me in a bemused manner as I checked out low rise jeans. But I was certain I had crossed into extreme afteryouth when last year I passed up a rocking party on New Year's eve to sit in front of the television with a bottle of wine and my spouse for company.

dharmabum said...

naah...
no way!
u're only as old(young) as you want to be. its all in the mind.
btw, why don't u ever reply to any of the comments ur readers leave? is that after youth too? or is it just a lack of conversational ability?

Sanjay said...

All you guys bitching about sidin's writin' going to hell, I dare you to come up with better prose than him. He uncorks the hard truths of life with panache. Can you do it?

Nrutya said...

The same applies to women too you know.
The first time someone called me aunty i was stupefied.
And now i have to keep reminding myself that i know longer belong to the youth category.

Anonymous said...

Bah I know what you mean..and I hate it. I know why as well: because I turned 27 a few days ago.
I try consoling myself : mebbe it wuz those damn cigs in ahd and that oily stuff they served in CT and the mess messing up my brain and adding to the inches on the paunch.
But I know now.. I have passed on into the realm of the AFTERYOUTH. YUCK..!

Prakash said...

You know... once i went to a college fest at MDI, after one year of graduating. The showman ship of KK was good... but amidst that crowd, there was one southie wondering whatdha hell... Everyone around were these young looking girls whop somehow always seemed to prefer joining a college you were remotely related to and guys around them having their share of fun. Was I jealous... Well.. Yes... of being youth'ful', and that when i decided i had to have a 'full' and bid adieu to the one sign of a southie which he is proud of... his mustache. :( It didnt make me feel younger, but as people said, it atleast made others feel that I was younger. So tehre it goes.. your solution for the 'AfterYouth' Problem.. Well do you have a moustache at all?

Jay Sun said...

Very well written...so well written that am beginning to feel old !!! :)

Funny Indian said...

AfterYouth - nice!!!
Afteryouth will eventually get you introduced to AAADD

rinku said...

Afteryouth..happens to women too. After a long time am reading something worth commenting on.

666 said...

Eeeeeeee ... What did you do dude!!

I am like Youth - After Youth border types! And you sent ripples of chill down my spine!

Recently I was planning my (office paid) Europe trip. Being commited I left aside Amsterdamn out of this (Hey wait, not to that extent, only visual type, you know what I mean). There came a After youth (married for 3 years), saying, "Dude! You will be done soon for this life, this is your last chance. Take it!" :-(

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