Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Pyrexia of Unknown Origin

Woke up yesterday morning in a daze. Had a terrible backache, upset stomach and a sizzling brownie of a fever. Boka, my wonderful bong dorm mate came to the rescue. After a day of much paracetamol, fit full sleep and bread and jam, I was up today fresh as a fiddle, and all set to take the world of frantic daily blogging, ruthless commenting and business education head on.

I receive a lot of email everyday. So much so I never get enough time to write back to all three of them. So I prioritize and reply to all the women. (Sometimes this backfires though. I rather mushily mailed a nice bong thing called soumya, and it turned out that big bong men with hairy chests and gym memberships have names ending in A's too.)

One mail wanted to know how long I take to write a post, and how I do it. Convalescing from a fever is rather unexciting. Theres little to write about except how you never noticed all those stains on the ceiling, and that lying on the same side for a long time wearing a lungi makes your skin look like that crepe taffetta whatever thing they use to package women's clothes in. So I guess I will yet again shamelessly dip into reader emails for inspiration.

A post starts off in one of two ways: Something I see or read makes me think of something, which leads to something else... and as soon as it all accumulates into more than 800 words I drop everything and write a post. Or, its one in the morning, my brain is as empty as the Trophy rack in the Spanish Football Association office, and I panic...

When I do have an idea or a thought or something, then writing a post is pretty peaceful. Take a harmless sentence, stretch it, put in a couple of analogies, use a thesaurus, and voila!!! the hit counter zips away. For example:

I read: "Now dogs can do yoga too."

After processing for blog: "I have a pet dog at home. A german shepherd. We call him Raju. We have this thing at home. Every dog we own we call Raju. Male or female. Now Raju has a problem. He is as brave and fierce as a Squirrel who is signatory to the Geneva Convention...."

And then I go on to somehow link it to yoga and finally yoga for dogs. This is not as tough as you would think...

"... Raju finally ran into the living room after running around the entire house 34 million times and hid under the sofa. We quickly removed the intruder that had scared Raju so and burried it in the kitchen storerooom. That was one small, plastic, peppermint-shitting chicken that my baby cousin will never play with again..."

You see the faint elements of a satire blog post coming through? Now I have so many possibilities. I give the chicken yellow and orange wings. And make green peppermints come out of the orifice at the bottom. With such a indigestible mix of colours, the puke jokes are but a line away.

"... seeing the dumb mutt gasping for its life under the sofa, you would think "Man that dog could do mean Pranayama session..." that reminds me, I once did a yoga thing a few years ago..."

See the seamless transition from topic to topic, and the audience is soft putty in your hands. Now that you have connected dogs to yoga you then find a nice appropriate little snap on the net... like this...



Now how can someone not come up with a funny caption for that one. But I must say hot little cutie isn't she? Now if only I could get the owner out of the way...

Of course all this happens on a day when I have something to write about. Then I just have to end the entire piece with a witty reference to something I said in the beginning. All columnists who get published, and aspire to, do it. (Especially Dave Barry.) So I look through the first few paragraphs, find something and sign off in full flourish. Something like...

"Now I must go and reply to an email from a hot sounding punju babe called Reetinder Singh who had mailed in yesterday..."

When I am absolutely devoid of things to write about, like today, I just hold my breath and write down paragraph after paragraph of stuff, hoping it all sticks. And then I end it using a totally contrived premise...

"Dear guy who comented my last post, yes I do take criticism constructively, but my one-eyed bosom buddy from Madurai, who is an escaped death-row convict, and likes using machettes does not. He will trace your IP and find you. Please don't scream when you see him. He does not like loud noises. He tried yoga to take care of it. Didnt happen... nice hearing from you though..."

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dude... awesome! Been following your blog ever since I got a copy of "The travails of... " (the post that started it all)... big fan of yours.

rosie said...

Hey Sid!
Started my day out pretty badly but its better now... need I say how? :)
Nice to have you back on a more regular basis.. and hope you're feeling better now.
Sizzling brownie of a fever? Soumya? Empty as the trophy rack..? .. you are on fire! Sorry, didnt intend to bring feverish memories back...
Keep them coming!

Anonymous said...

hey sidin,
thanks for the recipe for writing a blog...but the cook in me in not adept..
btw, u hav earned a tag among many ppl "the travails guy"..

a fan of urs

Anonymous said...

ok. no content. just words. But guess that's all that was intended. One of your juniors suggested this blog to me saying you're a good writer ever since col. Yeah you do write a lot, but you gotta put in more substance. Its like a soldier waving his sword frantically all around, hopin that it'd strike where it has to, at some time. Your feedback of your interviews made interesting reading actually.

Btw, you have a bossom buddy from madurai huh? I have one in Mumbai and he's quite excited about meeting your friend. By the way I m not as good with words as you are. But I surely have read a lot of stuff, some get through and some don't. Work on yours and we could check it out. Hope you are able to decipher what I mean :-)

The sincere critic

Anonymous said...

damn good sidin, damn good !

Anonymous said...

hey guys, is this madurai , bombay friendship turning a little violent here?
gladiator

rosie said...

Dear Sincere Critic,
As you never fail to remind us, you may be sincere... but really, we quite like our 'travails guy' the way he is. If you are a reader giving suggestions, I'm sure that is fine.. (since Sid gets ideas from that) but reading TO do a critic, now... that doesnt go down so well, u see.
So just informing you that alot of us have friends from Madurai ...

Ekta said...

Hey,
Happened to see your blog thru Jupe's blog and enjoyed it thoroughly..cldnt help commenting!..hilarious!

Hope to read more of this insane stuff!

Anonymous said...

Dear Sidin

For now I would suggest www.blogit.com. It'd pay u well considering your (die hard) fans, who'd read anything you write... and i see you have many. Anyway if you've got any kinda compilation of yours, (similar to the IIM interview writeup and not just "anything"), and of course if you are interested in giving it a try, send it in to me : editor@wittybooks.com. I've got a reco for your work, and if your compilation is good, we'd like to publish it. If its really worth it (please work on the compilation, with "the" rite title) I'd forward it to a "friend" who's better known in the publishers world.

The sincere critic

Famished Artist said...

For more Sidin like humour, check out http://server1.msn.co.in/FunnyBone/funnyindex.asp . Damn good! That's another IIM-A grad writing that!

Anonymous said...

Gosh! Hemant!! I did check out the link(being the jobless gal that I am. Having read most of Sid's articles, was looking to do something on a lazy day at work. ). His latest post "How to meet Deadlines and Influence People" discusses numerous steps to churn out hilarious articles! just like Sids latest blog. Such timing!!.
j

Anonymous said...

Great writing, dude. I have been following your blog for quite sometime now.

Patrix
patrix.typepad.com

Anonymous said...

dont fall for the sincere critics sincerity sidin...
! beware!

newt! said...

i have noticed sidin, that all your rosy (sic), vehement defenders are women ;) looks like your email strategy worked :D
the 'sincere critic', btw, sounds rather over-buttoned and uptight, but he does have a point (a small point, barely there) that some posts while funny, have less content. but let's be realistic- this is your blog after all, and you write really well..so ignore the brouhaha of your commentators (including me) and stay real. :)
cheers.

Megha said...

Hey Sidin,

Good stuff as always! You make it seem so easy :) If only we could all find ways to use our fever as an inspiration to write something funny and land a tidy book deal! Ah well.. Hum honge kaamyaab ek din..Keep it coming!

Megha

Anonymous said...

Dude, what hand job was your one-eyed buddy convicted of ??? ha ha ha ! Aren't you the guy who's contantly crying about how southies never get girls but have huge NRI accounts ?? Get a life.

I've seen blogs. Don't know what to write. But if you want to see a real blog, goto http://criminalenglish.100hands.net/

Anonymous said...

dear mister Sincere,
1.sid is no gorky. we know that yaar.
2. but his writings reflect our times.
3. sees india from a lot of angles. from a student's, an expartiate's, a southie's, an mba's
4. isn't very easy to evoke laughs. this guy has it
5. dont grudge us our daily laughs.pls be a sport and stop this negativity.
take it easy.
iw

Anonymous said...

Deary, are you a little girl or a bimbo ?

Need to use a Proton Synchrotron on the Moon to figure out how these views
reflect our times.

But hats off to you Sid, you seem to have a great following. I received the link to your blog 2wice
already. The first one was about the how southies are the only one in India with NRI accounts...
and this one. I seriously can't figure out what's so profound. It's just too shallow.

I've lived in Malaysia, UK, Bangalore, Pune and still don't know what India is all about
but I love the feeling of being here. My friends are Tamilians, Keralites, Biharis, Puneites, Punjabis,etc
and all have the same problems, NRI accounts (whatever the f@#$ that is), happiness, sadness,
horniness and all including me, a North Indian, can't seem to get girls. I love them all like brothers
despite and we laugh together. It got nothing to do with how your name sounds like.

* no matter where you do in India, parents say 'mera beta to amreeka mein hai' (in the local dialect)
* go to a dentist and he says that you problems are in the mind. I have to diagnose myself
that I might have retruded jaw, TMJ, etc...where do these guys get their degrees from anyway ?
* now you have laymans saying Linux, Windown, NASA, goomba woomba, etc are all made by Indians
How the hell is that possible when we are predominantly a services sector, and love only one thing -
a fast buck.
* media people are getting stupider and stupider :
(1) one day they we are great software cos we know english, the next day they say the Indian brain
good for software writing !
(2) come voting time, they rush to premier institutes to take opinions from these folks.

It takes a whole lotta balls to figure out this great nation. We'll get there. That's not important.
The important thing is why take so much time.

Kindly start by not throwing rubbish in the streets. Keep it in your pocket and dispose it later.

I love India and I learnt more about it when I was abroad. Been here 10 years now and it's getting irritating
requesting everyone to dispose rubbish in the right places.

Jai Jawan Jai Kisaan.

:-p

Anyone here listens to Soundgarden, Megadeth, Brahma, Sabbath, Maiden, Pantera, Sepultura ??

Anonymous said...

ok sincere critic, you just gave us a glimpse of how profound your thinking is. if it pleases u we are impressed. now go listen to all those complicated names and what ever they stand for and contemplate on you complicated profoundly unhappy existence. let us lesser mortals relish the simple pleasures of life.
dont stoop so l;ow that your back side is a tempting dartboard

Rohit said...

Bring it on!

Anonymous said...

what rubbish...read the blog and have fun...stop being judgemental about everything.Hey sidin, baap waiting for ur updates with breath unabated....Later!

Anonymous said...

After receiving the travials of a South Indian male nth time in mail, I checked your blog. Have been following it religiously since then. You blog is hilarious and superb. Well, what are you doing in IIM, you should be writing a best seller comedy.
All the best.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/ipositive/

Anonymous said...

And only yesterday how best to frame a mercy petition to the President to save us from the mindless banter of a deranged wannabe business grad who misuses education subsidies to kill blog time.

Anonymous said...

.... my friend shreyas directed me to u'r blogsite. u'r blogs are really nice, practical and simple. not senti senti. Keep writing , lotsa people out there reading what you write....

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